So Tired

My body is tired and my mind is on overdrive. It has been for a few weeks now. We have two sick kiddos and one of them decided to “share” with Mommy the stomach bug he had earlier this week. It hit me while in public and it wasn’t pretty. This week has been rough to say the least. I’ve been to the doctor twice, once with Charlie and once with Charlie and Carter. Somehow Cameron keeps missing out on all the “sharing”. A friend told me today the in our house “sharing was caring”. I told her I could do with a little less caring around here.

I am so lucky my husband’s new job is so understanding. They really have been a blessing letting him leave early when it was more than I could handle especially with the stomach bug that got out of control. Things like giving him time off to pick up Carter from school because I was too sick to get that far from the bathroom was not something that would have happened at his old job, at least not without a really big hassle.

I’ve felt overwhelmed I think pretty much since I opened my eyes to Charlie’s diagnosis. The autism spectrum truly is different with each person. Cameron’s journey has barely prepared me for Charlie’s new world. When Charlie is sick everything triggers him and he has a lot more verbal stimming with no words, just random sounds he repeats on a loop. He’s been adding vocabulary quite often the past couple of weeks but when he’s not feeling well he shuts down and doesn’t speak much if at all. He regresses and loses language often and we start over when he decides to start talking again. It’s frustrating that he starts gaining vocabulary even if we can’t get the words consistently when he specifically needs to communicate his wants and most times the words are randomly expressed and not for any real purpose except for at that moment he likes that word and then he loses all his progress without any warning that we have figured out yet. It’s frustrating for him that we cannot give him what he wants because we do not understand and the meltdowns are becoming more frequent.

Today was a win though. Some of Charlie’s first words were please and thank you and he said them frequently and at the appropriate times. I was so proud of my smart boy when he first started using manners so soon after finally starting to talk. Today was the first time I’ve heard please or thank you in over a year. Hard to understand but we knew what he was saying because we were withholding the snack he wanted until we got the words we wanted to hear. I’ve been trying more lately to make him express his wants either with words or sign instead of just giving in even when I know what he wants. The inability to communicate is leading to a frustrated toddler and frustrated parents.

I feel as though I am always tired, especially lately, and not being the best mom, wife, and friend that I could be. I feel impatient, as though I am always being rushed to take care of something else for someone else, as though there is not any uninterrupted quiet in which to lose myself and turn off my brain, I’m short tempered at times, housework has went past the back seat and is somewhere lost in the cargo area. I feel as though everything else is suffering from my lack of caring and doing the minimum to get by. It’s not something I’m proud of, that procrastinating and letting things slide. The need/want to cry has been tugging at me lately probably as often as Charlie’s tantrums are occurring. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s hard to pull myself out of that rut. I know I have a couple of mom friends that have to be ADHD because that is the only way I can explain their endless on the go lifestyle. I envy them that.

I’m rambling I know but my never ending to do list is spinning through my mind and sleep is eluding my tired body even though here in my part of the world it is after midnight. I will pay for my sleeplessness in the morning when Charlie and Carter wake before the sun and send me scurrying for breakfast and attempting to get them to turn down the volume on their mouths while their Daddy and brother sleep oblivious to my day already starting. For those of you who have children that have no respect for the weekend sleeping in tradition “May the odds be ever in your favor” tomorrow on your last day of the weekend. After my long winded ramblings I will now attempt to turn my mind off, if only it were as easy as turning off the lamp, and go to sleep. Thanks to all who made it through to the end of my late night insomnia writings.

Good Night All,

Mommy of Trouble Comes In Threes

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