Broken

I BROKE

On Wednesday afternoon at about 5:05 I pulled into my driveway, saw something I didn’t expect, and finally after months of denial, anxiety, fear, feeling ashamed, feeling betrayed, and a multitude of other feelings, I broke. I shocked poor Charlie who didn’t know what was going on and began to cry, right there in the driveway in the car. Big hiccuping sobs. I had felt the need to break and stop holding it in for weeks and the closer that meeting time came the harder it was to not give in. I was unprepared for what was waiting for me and it was the last straw, the dam gave way. There is a pale yellow rose bush I transplanted when we moved and I associate it with my Mama who is in Heaven now. Yellow roses were her favorite. It seems to always bloom when I need a little lift during a difficult time and never ceases to amaze me at how in the harshest conditions it blooms, even a single bloom in the snow is beautiful to me. It’s as if to say “I’m here for you. You are not forgotten.” So to come home, put the van in park, look up and see not a single bloom but five blooms unfolding undid me. The tears came pouring from my heart, there was no stopping them. Thank you, Mama.

I FAILED

I failed my children not just one, but all three of them. My body betrayed me by not being able to carry them to term. I feel ashamed because my body, something in my DNA, did this to Cameron and Charlie. Fear for my oldest and now my youngest because I do not know what the world will hold for them and what will happen to them when I’m gone. I was anxious because of how bad this meeting could be or what if they didn’t see it too. I felt guilt because my denials of what was staring me in the face with Charlie, of what now was clearly obvious to me, delayed him getting therapy and other help sooner. I completely, miserably, and utterly had failed as a Mommy.

I PICKED MYSELF UP

I gave myself a few minutes, then sucked it up, dried my face, and started unloading Charlie and the rest of the van. My husband had no clue I had just lost my stuffing in the driveway. Some days it’s hard. These feelings float around your head and they do not just turn off. No matter how much you know its not true, that you did not have any say in your child becoming autistic, those feelings sneak in and cause all kinds of doubt and even depression. Acknowledge these feelings, they are yours, you have a right to them, but remember to dust yourself off and know that they are not true. You decide what kind of Mommy you are each and every day, not these feelings that sneak in and steal your joys of Mommyhood.

March 28, 2018- Diagnosis of mild autism with speech and other developmental delays by the school’s assessment team.