The boys loved family coming into town for spring break. Charlie’s break in routine did not love it. The constant daily on the go experiences he’s not used to and messed up nap schedule made for one very grouchy toddler who was quite whiny and destructive and who also has begun to self harm. I haven’t seen it often but he does pinch himself and has a bruise on his arm to prove it. Things went flying in restaurants and this Mama’s reactive catching instincts were off her game, probably due to lack of sleep. Thankfully he never hit anyone with the flying napkins, menus, crayons, food, and a whole napkin wrapped roll of silverware but he came REALLY close. Wednesday evening he was particularly wound tight after his nap and I made the call to stay home and let David take the boys out to dinner with Mimi and Uncle Brown. It was not a decision I made lightly and it did not go over well with my other half because it was made as we were about to go out the door but I was glad I made the decision. It was only about fifteen minutes before his Daddy and brothers came home that Charlie finally calmed down some and started playing and was not just curled on the couch whining. We are still figuring this thing out with Charlie, his journey is already different than Cameron’s. Cameron was given the sensory processing evaluation when he was younger and we were told he is borderline for the diagnosis so I really haven’t dealt with that in all it’s full blown meltdown glory. Enter Charlie and I wish there wasn’t such a thing as sensory processing dysfunction. I am so ready to get the school’s autism assessment and March 28th seems so very far away. Even with the school’s assessment I know we will still have to set up an evaluation with the psychologist to get the ball rolling for an official diagnosis.

On a brighter note, Charlie has a new skill this week that if he keeps up will certainly make things easier. He has now started pointing to things and occasionally will try to say the word “want”. He’s still very hard to understand with most of his vocabulary and I’m not sure whether he’s just having problems with pronunciation or if he will have the unusual voice qualities that some autistic children have. Either way we’ll work through it with him but for now it makes my heart happy that he finished his dinner (or at least what qualifies as a meal for a CharlieBear) and then pointed to the counter and said want. He must have really wanted that slice of pound cake for me to get the pointing and the word out of him without prompting.

It’s taken a while but I’ve accepted the fact that even without the official diagnosis yet I know that Charlie is on the spectrum. Yes, I know I’m self diagnosing my child and for the few of you who really know me, you know how hard I fought to deny it to myself the past six months or so. I had been denying it even before most of you were aware that David and I knew there was the possibility of a problem. I wanted to have his therapists tell me I was being paranoid. I’ve come to accept what I know will happen. We will have the school’s assessment and regardless of what their evaluation says we will make the appointments with Dr. Russell for official diagnosis. I know that the school’s assessment and medical diagnosis are not the same and can actually differ. Until then, we wait. At least the waiting now will be a little calmer for my mind and my heart. I am not completely at peace with this feeling of knowing what the outcome will be and I still have moments of hope that it could be something else that is fixable or nothing at all but I know it is the last hopes of a Mama who doesn’t want her baby to go through a lifetime of this disorder. Just because it is becoming easier to accept though doesn’t mean I don’t daily have my moments of wishing I could beat my head on the wall. For now though I have my own therapy to perform and will spend part of my day in my flower beds making my front yard looking spiffy. Spiffy, I like that word, now to find someone besides myself to “spiffafy” my house. Maybe I’ll catch a Leprechaun in the bushes to grant me wishes in order to obtain his freedom and my house and yard will be completely spiffy all at the same time. I’m not holding my breath.

🍀🍀🍀May your troubles be less and your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through your door. 🍀🍀🍀

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